Jadrian Page 13

  He looked away from her. “I thought I could manage to be just your friend, to wait patiently until you finished your journey of self-knowledge and allowed me into your heart.” He drew a deep breath and she held hers, terrified what he was going to say next. “I find that although we Badari are strong enough to survive almost any physical or mental stress, this situation tears at me. It may not be my place to pass judgment on what you believe you must do, no matter how it affects me or our relationship. Maybe I’m overstepping the boundaries here because we Badari don’t understand the depths of human emotion. Maybe my reactions originate from my being part of a pack while humans are solitary. I can only be honest.” Jadrian’s hands were fisted on his thighs. “When I was informed that you’d been with Walt today by your own choice, I felt betrayed. A fool. Can you understand? We’re either in this together as we’ve said to each other from the beginning or you must proceed alone. I want the best for you and only that.”

  “I know,” she said, wishing she’d given more consideration to the fact he wasn’t human and therefore might legitimately have reactions to things that surprised her. I wish we’d done more talking about our emotions but it’s too late now. She could only offer him her truth and hope the trust was enough. “And I want the same for you. I may not be good for you, once I know the facts about who I am, which is one of the biggest worries I have. Walt holds pieces to those answers. But I was wrong to break my promise not to talk to him without you. I’m sorry.”

  He sat silently for a minute before reaching out to take her hand. “And I’m sorry to add to the pressures you’re under. It’s not fair of me. I just care so very deeply.”

  Relief was a cool wave washing through her and now she had to tread carefully not to make him regret his apology. “I wish I could take the step and say yes, I’ll commit to you, to us. But I’m terrified when I find out who Taura really is, I won’t be someone who can be in a relationship with you. I’ll be a different person. Maybe even the kind of person you don’t want to have with you.” She brushed angry tears away. Why couldn’t life be simple? She was a woman, and he was a helluva man, and they wanted each other…but if who she was crumbled and changed when she got her memory back…well, she couldn’t take the chance.

  Badari mated for life, and she wouldn’t risk his permanent happiness.

  “I don’t believe you could ever be anything other than the woman I want to be with.” His face was set in stubborn lines and his voice was firm but at least his body was no longer closed off. “I accept that you believe the possibility exists, but I’m sure—memories or not—it’s the real Taura I’ve fallen for. At the core, you’re unchanged.” He squeezed her hand then rose to his feet. “Let me get the doctor so we can get you discharged from here and go home.”

  “So we’re still friends?” she asked, craving the reassurance.

  He leaned down to give her a hug. “I never stopped being your friend. I think we need to talk to each other more, going forward, not make assumptions. I know opening up and discussing your inner thoughts is a hard leap of faith for you to take—I see your struggles with our daily sessions with Megan—but if you can’t trust me, then we’ll have more problems.”

  “Fair enough.” She kissed his cheek and snuggled close. “Trust goes two ways though—you’ll have to be willing to explain Badari-think to me too.”

  “Agreed.” He held her at arms’ length but his smile was warm. “Just don’t expect me to thank Walt for our improved understanding of each other.”

  Laughter bubbled out of her and felt so good, so light hearted now he was teasing her. “Perish the thought!”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Being in her own bed in the familiar cave was a balm to her nerves after the tumultuous events of the day and Taura soon fell asleep, tumbling into a dream. She stood in the middle of an endless grassy plain, surrounded by wildflowers. Birds of all colors flew overhead, singing and chirping with abandon. Feeling something was missing, she put her hand to her neck and realized Jadrian’s amulet was gone. Spinning in a slow circle, she tried to figure out which direction she’d come from, so she could retrace her steps in an effort to find the precious necklace. In the distance a grove of beautiful, tall trees grew in a perfect circle. She wandered in the direction of the trees, deciding that was as good a choice as any and wanting to see the glade enclosed by the sturdy sentinels. In the blink of an eye, Taura found herself walking past the first tree, strolling in the welcome shade and heading for the sunlit opening ahead. Now a sense of urgency overtook her and she walked faster through the ring of trees. As she entered the clear area at the heart of the grove she caught a glimpse of a woman leaving. Taura only saw her long white hair and the edge of an elaborately embroidered lavender gown.

  “Hello? Wait!” She hastened toward the spot where the other had exited but as she approached the trees, she became confused and skidded to a halt. There was no path through the grove she could see. Immense trunks blocked her progress and no matter how she maneuvered or where she stepped, Taura was unable to leave the sunlit central area to follow whoever had been waiting here.

  Baffled and frustrated, she retraced her path to the center of the grassy area and perched on a smooth boulder, which was shaped as if to be used as a bench. Why am I here?

  There was no answer but as she glanced at the grass surrounding her seat, a flash of bright blue drew her attention. Rising, she plucked the amulet she’d been seeking from the greenery and placed the black leather thong around her neck with a sigh of relief. The stone was cool to her touch, reassuring in its unchanging appearance.

  When she raised her eyes to the trees again, she inhaled sharply. Jadrian stood there, smiling at her. She stretched her hands out to him and took a step—

  And sat up in the bed, surrounded the soft glow of the nightlight and the sparkling mineral accents in the rough stone walls. A bit disoriented, Taura stretched and glanced around the chamber. At least it was a peaceful dream.

  A few minutes later, she strolled out of the bedroom area, more rested than she’d been in months. Jadrian was making tea over the fire, and he glanced up at her approach. “A smooth night then, finally? No dreams?”

  Taking the steaming mug from him, she settled on her chair and leaned against the cushion. “No bad dreams anyway. The last one I had was lovely.” Since he showed more than polite interest, she described her dream to him in detail right through to the end, when he’d appeared in her vision. Taura chuckled a bit self-consciously. Dreams never made much sense when the scenes were recited to another person. “And then I woke up.” Surprised by his silence, she glanced across the fire at him. Jadrian’s eyes were wide and glowing with golden fire. He’d risen to his feet. Afraid she’d upset him without realizing it, she set her cup on the nearby rock serving as a table and reached out to him. “What? It was a good dream, I swear.”

  He seemed excited, nodding as he said, “I’m sure. I’ve had a similar dream, after my ordeal at the hands of the Khagrish. And in real life, after I was restored to the pack, I made a pilgrimage to the Grove of the Great Mother the next time we were allowed to go outside, into the area known as the Preserve, and found the stone that became my amulet, now yours.”

  “The Great Mother?” The name was familiar and sounded right but she couldn’t remember any details. “I know you’ve mentioned her before, but who exactly is she?”

  “She’s the one we worship, the goddess who watches over all of us.”

  And how poignant is the fact this gallant race of created men dreams of a mother? The thought made her sad for Jadrian and all his kind. “Why would I dream about her, though? I’ve been dreaming about the ring of trees at least once a night since you helped me get out of the hospital and move here, to the cave. This is the first time I was able to actually enter the grove, the first time I saw any other person.” Taura shrugged. “They’re nice dreams, soothing. Much better than the nightmares.”

  He seemed unusually excited, his golden eyes becoming molten amber as they glowed. “I think I may have an idea—” He broke off and put a hand to his temple, closing his eyes and wincing.

  Seeing him display the slightest hint of pain was so unusual that she was alarmed. “What’s wrong?”

  “A summons from the Alpha. I’m to appear in his office immediately.”

  “That doesn’t sound good. You’d better go. I’ll be fine. I’m well rested and nothing’s upsetting me in our cozy abode.” She gestured at the cave around them. “Well, other than you suddenly being called to see Aydarr.”

  “I’d asked Timtur to come talk to us about an idea I have, right before Aydarr called me. He’ll be here shortly so you won’t have to be alone for more than a few minutes. Promise me you’ll stay here?”

  “You go ahead. I’ll sit by the fire, drink my tea and be a welcoming hostess to Timtur when he arrives.”

  “Is she your mate?” Aydarr’s voice was matter of fact.

  Jadrian wished he could give a straightforward answer. A twisting pain burned in his chest as he admitted the truth. “I don’t know. She might be, someday, but right now, no.”

  His Alpha raised one eyebrow. “Explain. Is this a case where the human woman doesn’t recognize the mate bond as rapidly as the Badari does?”

  “I wish that was the situation.” Jadrian shook his head. “I’ve been fighting the mate bond and so has she. I think she—the real person who is Taura—is locked up tight behind a lot of mental shields and barriers, traumatized by whatever she was subjected to by her captors, and also self-protective.” Because this was his alpha, the man who’d saved his life more than once, Jadrian lowered his eyes and stopped trying to avoid the truth. “I desire her to distraction and I—I have reason to know she feels the same.”

  Aydarr merely nodded, although his lips quirked. He made a motion for Jadrian to continue.

  “I’m afraid to let myself form a deeper bond, other than friendship, because what if she comes back to being her old self and isn’t the woman I—”

  Aydarr finished the sentence where Jadrian failed to supply words. “Feel an attraction to?”

  “More than an attraction. But I don’t wish her to remain broken so we can be mates. I think I’d experience the pull of the mate bond regardless—Taura will always be Taura to me—but she might not match my feelings as she does now, when she’s herself again. I can’t make my claim before she knows her own mind. And she’s adamant she can’t make any commitment beyond friendship until she has her memories sorted out. I’ve had to accept her demand or let her go entirely.” He took a deep breath. “And relinquish her I cannot do.”

  There was silence and then the Alpha let out a gusty sigh. “You’re one of my best soldiers. We’re stretched thin, trying to find and rescue the other humans, trying to wage war against the Khagrish, working to be ready if they or the Chimmer attack us. While I respect what you’re trying to do and your dilemma with Taura’s lack of memory, I can’t afford to have you sidelined. We only have so much time to prepare and then inevitably the end game will be forced upon us. I know Gabe hopes to get his hands on a ship, any ship, even MARL’s old sunken hulk in the lake out there, and set off for the Sectors to get help.” Amber eyes glowing, Aydarr stared at him. “I needn’t tell you what a thin hope I believe that is.”

  Jadrian shook his head.

  “If she was your declared mate, then yes, I hold the mate bond inviolable, and I’d prioritize your time with her, trying to help her. No Badari lucky enough to find his mate should ever be denied the rare chance at happiness. More than anyone, I understand the power of the bond. Jill changed my entire life, all of our lives. But I can’t afford to have any Badari soldier spend fulltime with one human female who’s not his mate. There are too many of them, not enough of us, and the stakes for all of us to survive don’t permit the indulgence. I gave you the time I promised and more, and she is to all appearances functioning better. She’s managed not to have any incidents in public for a while now, other than the one triggered by Walt, and no one other than Taura herself was hurt as a result. I understand she’s going to work in the stores, with Kelli, who’ll keep a close eye on her. I’m willing to allow Taura to continue to live with you—even unmated—for purposes of controlling the night terrors she suffers, but you cannot remain in the valley to watch her during times I need you to be functioning as a Badari soldier. Do I make myself clear?”

  Jadrian couldn’t find any reason to object to Aydarr’s edict. “Yes. You’ve been more than fair.”

  “I’ll expect you to take the next assignment Mateer hands you.” Aydarr reached for his personal AI, flicking the interface into existence. When Jadrian didn’t move, he glanced up. “That’s all unless you have something else to report?”

  The Alpha’s tone wasn’t inviting, but Jadrian fought against the wave of dominance coming in his direction and steeled himself, thinking of Taura. “A request.”

  Eyebrows raised to his hairline, Aydarr’s expression was one of complete astonishment.

  Jadrian kept talking. “There’s one last thing I want to try. I’d asked Timtur over to our cave today to see if he’d agree, so I can’t speak for him yet. But if you give permission—”

  “Permission to do what?”

  Jadrian took a deep breath and dug in to explain his wild idea.

  “It’s not a good thing to be summoned to see the Alpha, is it?”

  Pacing restlessly from the fire pit to the cave entrance and back, Timtur glanced at her. “Not in this case, no. From what you told me and the brief message I had from Jadrian, Aydarr didn’t sound happy.”

  Taura pondered the flat statement. “Because Jadrian’s been spending so much time with me?”

  “He’s been turning down assignments, refusing the tasks Mateer asked him to undertake if it meant leaving the valley, or leaving you for more than a couple of hours, other than the most recent patrol he did undertake. When you—”

  “When I had my little chat with Walt.” Which didn’t turn out so well. No wonder he’s refusing to take on more assignments right now. “I wondered about his being so available to support me all the time. I thought maybe he was on modified leave or vacation.” Dismay hit her hard. She hoped Jadrian hadn’t gotten in trouble with his superiors because he was so dedicated to her cause. Another thing we ought to have discussed. She’d been so grateful to have his company pretty much full time, she hadn’t wanted to ask questions, to be honest.

  “We just escaped the Khagrish labs where our kind were held captive for centuries. We’re searching for all of you humans, we expect the enemy to launch an offensive against us sooner than later—they’ve already stepped up patrols in a few sectors—how would any Badari have time off?”

  Timtur sounded so accusatory she was shocked into silence.

  “And you’re not mates,” he added.

  We could be. She bit her tongue to keep from uttering the wistful remark. Her feelings were strong and unmistakable, but she’d never ask Jadrian to tie himself to her when she was so brittle and unstable. And with gaping holes in my memory. “I’ve been making progress, though, don’t you think? The attacks are less frequent.”

  “If your stability depends on having Jadrian around every single hour of the day, waking or sleeping, then no, this isn’t progress. And the episode with Walt in the garden was near disastrous.” Timtur took a deep breath, and she could tell he was consciously softening his tone. “You’ve substituted Jadrian for the doctor’s sedatives and not addressed the issues in here.” He tapped her forehead then her heart.

  “We’ve talked. We’ve tried to identify what triggers the episodes.” Her protest was immediate. Rising to her feet, she walked away from him, going to the food preparation area for a glass of water just to have a distraction from processing Timtur’s disturbing assertions. “He helps me focus on staying in the present, on breathing—”

  “Proving my point. You need him to help you manage, and Aydarr needs him to fight the Khagrish so we can all have hope for a future.” Timtur gazed over the lake. “When we were prisoners, I thought freedom was the ultimate dream. Now that I’m free, I find there are new dreams.”

  “I understand.” She headed for the cave entrance.

  The healer took three quick steps to intercept her, touching her elbow. “Where are you going?”

  She tried to sidestep him but Timtur shifted position with the amazing speed the Badari possessed. “I’d like to be alone,” she said, wondering how far he’d go to prevent her leaving the den.

  “I promised Jadrian I’d watch over you in his absence. I must honor my promise.”

  Hands on her hips, retreating a few paces, she glared at him. “We have an impasse then, don’t we?”

  “I leave you two alone for an hour and now you’re challenging each other for dominance?” Jadrian’s voice was amused as he came up the final few feet of path and into the cave. “I need to talk to you both, so let’s declare a truce.”

  “What did Aydarr want?” Taura asked.

  “As we expected, my name restored to the full time duty roster. He did agree we could continue to stay here in these quarters, since you still have nightmares. Megan apparently recommended strongly you not be reassigned to the women’s dormitory yet.”

  Relief mixed with anxiety over the idea of having to move into a cave full of other women, including Sandara no doubt, bubbled up in her mind. Bless the doctor. “Well, that’s a concession I appreciate. I’m doing so much better during the day, but I can’t answer for my behavior at night.”

  “Which I told the Alpha.”

  “And I’m sure I’ll like working with Kelli at Stores. Not that I expect your Alpha to care about my personal happiness,” she added hastily. “But the situation wouldn’t be stressful there, I don’t think, so my new assignment works to everyone’s advantage.”

  Timtur took a few steps toward the cave’s entrance. “I’ll leave the two of you alone then, if I’m not needed.”

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